Hey Internetians of the Blog realm,
So its been a while since I've posted huh? I believe the last time I posted was way back in December right after I left my previous college. It's crazy to think how much time and progress I've been through to get to the point I am today. I cannot believe everything that has happened and I could spend a lifetime telling you all about it. The one thing I do want to mention right off the bat is that this blog now has over a thousand page views so for that I am super grateful. I hope my words have helped some and taught you all something or another about being kind to yourself or others, or even just something completely random about life too. Anything is possible.
So for this lesson I really want to hone in on something I believe I have always struggled with, and hone in on that point that anything is possible. What is this topic? Relationships. Relationships were always something that could make me so excited I could jump up and down for joy but also terrify me to my very core. I love life, and that feeling of excitement and joy when starting something new, but being a shy person by very nature I would always worry about whether that person actually could like me, or if they were just making it up. I guess you could say that stemmed from a lot of insecurity as well.
When I was younger I had crushes on boys and would get so nervous and flustered around them I would blush to the point of being a self-described tomato. It was just the worst feeling in the world because I couldn't help but just be so embarrassed. I remember in eighth grade there was a boy who noticed this about me, and actually during a class went out of his way to embarrass me in front of his friend that I liked. You gotta love middle school, right?
In high school I started to gain a bit more confidence and like myself for who I was becoming. In learning how to love myself I was able to put myself out there a bit more and see what would happen, not knowing the answer. This is actually pretty bold for a shy girl. The only reason I was able to do it was because I had a lot of wonderful supportive friends who helped me through the different steps in my life. However all of the attempts I made at trying to be outgoing and caring to make these connections seemed to end in failure.
As I got to my first year of college and began to move beyond that realm, I began to crave this connection more and more. I felt like there was just something missing that I wasn't getting that I should have had by that point. It was my insecurity telling me in one ear that I was an unlovable freak because I was fat and ugly and worthless, while yelling in the other ear that if I don't get a boyfriend soon I am going to never get married and die alone while everyone else moves on without you. This terrified me, and made me crave that connection to badly that it hurt.
During the next year and a half I had a few "connections" that ended in anything ranging from awkward to a major disaster. One of those I was taken advantage of, which was and is totally not my fault (I have to keep reminding myself so one day I'll believe it). The rest were just there. Not that I didn't enjoy my time with those gentlemen, which I completely did! However I think I lost something along the way, something important. I think my low self-esteem and insecurity coupled with a little bit of a new found confidence made me want to go out and force these connections that just were not there, as much as I wanted them to be there. So finally after my last failed relationship I realized that the thing that I was missing was something that could not just be forced but something that just tends to happen all on its own. Nothing you can create in your head, and if you pretend its there then the relationship is doomed.
With that said in the spirit of being kind to yourself I am going to tell you something very cheesy and that is . . . . to follow your heart. It's a bit hard to explain but when you have feelings for a person you feel an automatic pull towards them, butterflies in your stomach, a lightness in the air you haven't felt before. It's strange how it works, but here is where the beginning ties in. Because you are listening to something almost completely separate from your conscious thought (like a "mind of it's own" if you will) ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN. If you try and limit something that has not been scientifically researched in depth as to why the phenomena is occurring and don't know how it works there is room for anything to happen right? Gosh, if you just look online, in the media, you can find all kinds of crazy love stories! You can't just dismiss them as false because theres no grounds onto which a person's feelings can be proven false (maybe the story can but that's besides the point), so again there is just the potential for anything! You can even find it within your own families and communities, you just have to take the time and look hard enough, and the possibilities are endless.
When I came to this insight tonight, I realized a lot of things about myself and about my past that I had forgotten or didn't realize before. It also gave me major hope for the future in that, I need to stop letting my head block out what my heart is saying and listen to it. That is something that I need to do if I would like to have a successful relationship in the future or for anyone to have a successful relationship. That's might be the key, if anything else, to being kind to yourself because it is your emotional, mental and physical health you placing out there on the line. If there is any light I can shed from this and my experiences is that to trust your gut, listen to your feelings, and follow your heart. Anything is possible, but doing so will always leave you is a good spot by the end.
