About Being AWKWARD: I'm back and I updated the blog! Stay Tuned!

Hey Internet!

It's been a while! Hope you've been good! :) I wanted to create a new post for a little while but I haven't had the time nor have I had the energy  to do so. Now that I have a free moment in my life I am finally able to write on this blog again and hopefully devote more time and attention to it!

SO the main thing I wanted to tell you guys about was the name change for this blog. This has been something I wanted to do for a while because in the past year my life has been crazy and it has changed so much. I have changed a lot and really grown as a person. My original concept for the blog I did like however I wasn't able to make it as intimate and personal as I would have liked it to be. Plus tying it into the one idea of being kind is a fairly difficult thing to do. I applaud those who think they can! haha.

For those who are new to this blog and are unfamiliar with the original concept. I called this blog about being kind because I wanted to hone in on inspiring people to be more king to one another. I did that through telling stories about my life and relating it back to aspects of kindness that we all know. It was good for a while,however things in my life began to change dramatically and I took an extended break from this blog. When I got to a point in my life where I was able to focus on the blog again I realized that I wanted to be more about my life instead of just ideas of kindness everyone already knows.

Trust me when I tell you I won't be sharing every intimate detail of my life with you guys (you don't wanna know that anyways lol), but hopefully by writing this blog and sharing with you week to week things of what is happening in my life, you can relate in some way, or learn something from it. Literally if I had a dollar for every mistake I made I would be rich-ass mofo. (see... awkward, lol XD) Anyways, the point is I wanted to make it a little less angelic and tad bit more raw and real.  I think that might be a bit more enjoyable read then the stuff I was posting previously.

By changing the concept of the blog to focus a bit more on me, I am capable of being a bit more of myself with you guys. As the title goes, for one thing, I am extremely awkward. Things just happen to me that I can't explain, or handle, I make the dumbest mistakes on the planet, and I create the most horrible situations for myself that I can't get out of or somehow walk out of unscathed and with boatloads of cash. Don't ask me how it happens, I have no clue.

Another thing is that I am horrible at explaining things! If I didn't reread this over and over to make sure every sentence made sense, no one would know what the hell I am saying. Also, I curse like a frickin sailor. I guess I'll try and filter when I can (eyeroll lol), but some of the more ridiculous things in my life I just can't haha. Like those ridiculous situations that just warrent an f-bomb, or a s-word. Take stubbing your toe or instance, or spilling glitter everywhere. The words just fly out before you even know your saying something in the first place. XF

Anyways! so that;s the update to this blog! Hopefully soon I'll be posting every week (possible more if life just happens to get interesting) of my fabulous (maybe not so fabulous, I can't decide) life! Hope you are as excited about the change as I am! Talk to you guys later! Bye!

Claire

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About Being Kind: Anything Can Happen

Hey Internetians of the Blog realm,

So its been a while since I've posted huh? I believe the last time I posted was way back in December right after I left my previous college. It's crazy to think how much time and progress I've been through to get to the point I am today. I cannot believe everything that has happened and I could spend a lifetime telling you all about it. The one thing I do want to mention right off the bat is that this blog now has over a thousand page views so for that I am super grateful. I hope my words have helped some and taught you all something or another about being kind to yourself or others, or even just something completely random about life too. Anything is possible.

So for this lesson I really want to hone in on something I believe I have always struggled with, and hone in on that point that anything is possible. What is this topic? Relationships. Relationships were always something that could make me so excited I could jump up and down for joy but also terrify me to my very core. I love life, and that feeling of excitement and joy when starting something new, but being a shy person by very nature I would always worry about whether that person actually could like me, or if they were just making it up. I guess you could say that stemmed from a lot of insecurity as well.

When I was younger I had crushes on boys and would get so nervous and flustered around them I would blush to the point of being a self-described tomato. It was just the worst feeling in the world because I couldn't help but just be so embarrassed. I remember in eighth grade there was a boy who noticed this about me, and actually during a class went out of his way to embarrass me in front of his friend that I liked. You gotta love middle school, right?

In high school I started to gain a bit more confidence and like myself for who I was becoming. In learning how to love myself I was able to put myself out there a bit more and see what would happen, not knowing the answer. This is actually pretty bold for a shy girl. The only reason I was able to do it was because I had a lot of wonderful supportive friends who helped me through the different steps in my life. However all of the attempts I made at trying to be outgoing and caring to make these connections seemed to end in failure.

As I got to my first year of college and began to move beyond that realm, I began to crave this connection more and more. I felt like there was just something missing that I wasn't getting that I should have had by that point. It was my insecurity telling me in one ear that I was an unlovable freak because I was fat and ugly and worthless, while yelling in the other ear that if I don't get a boyfriend soon I am going to never get married and die alone while everyone else moves on without you. This terrified me, and made me crave that connection to badly that it hurt.

During the next year and a half I had a few "connections" that ended in anything ranging from awkward to a major disaster. One of those I was taken advantage of, which was and is totally not my fault (I have to keep reminding myself so one day I'll believe it). The rest were just there. Not that I didn't enjoy my time with those gentlemen, which I completely did! However I think I lost something along the way, something important. I think my low self-esteem and insecurity coupled with a little bit of a new found confidence made me want to go out and force these connections that just were not there, as much as I wanted them to be there. So finally after my last failed relationship I realized that the thing that I was missing was something that could not just be forced but something that just tends to happen all on its own. Nothing you can create in your head, and if you pretend its there then the relationship is doomed.

With that said in the spirit of being kind to yourself I am going to tell you something very cheesy and that is  . . . . to follow your heart. It's a bit hard to explain but when you have feelings for a person you feel an automatic pull towards them, butterflies in your stomach, a lightness in the air you haven't felt before. It's strange how it works, but here is where the beginning ties in. Because you are listening to something almost completely separate from your conscious thought (like a "mind of it's own" if you will) ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN. If you try and limit something that has not been scientifically researched in depth as to why the phenomena is occurring and don't know how it works there is room for anything to happen right? Gosh, if you just look online, in the media, you can find all kinds of crazy love stories! You can't just dismiss them as false because theres no grounds onto which a person's feelings can be proven false (maybe the story can but that's besides the point), so again there is just the potential for anything! You can even find it within your own families and communities, you just have to take the time and look hard enough, and the possibilities are endless.

When I came to this insight tonight, I realized a lot of things about myself and about my past that I had forgotten or didn't realize before. It also gave me major hope for the future in that, I need to stop letting my head block out what my heart is saying and listen to it. That is something that I need to do if I would like to have a successful relationship in the future or for anyone to have a successful relationship. That's might be the key, if anything else, to being kind to yourself because it is your emotional, mental and physical health you placing out there on the line. If there is any light I can shed from this and my experiences is that to trust your gut, listen to your feelings, and follow your heart. Anything is possible, but doing so will always leave you is a good spot by the end.

About Being Kind: The Remnants of Caesar

Hey internet,

It's has been a while, hasn't it? Or maybe it hasn't and it just feels like a while. Forever even. Recently I moved back into college and everything stressful that could possible be stressful has just been piling up and up and up and up. A lot has changed too, so I guess in one sense, it has been forever. 

Lately, I hate to admit this, but I have made some bad decisions. I went out on a limb for a lot of people. A teacher who seemed like a good person, friends who seemed to really have my best interests at heart, and a boy. A stupid boy - life was okay until that stupid boy. I had everything going for me, and I was in control. I was busy, but I was in control. Everything seemed to be together until it all began to slowly crumble apart. 

All I have to say internet is that never ever go out on a limb for people. Never do anything to put yourself in danger. If you think you are in a bad situation get help. Never feel like you have to do anything for anyone. And, this being the most important thing, NEVER TRUST ANYONE UNTIL THEY HAVE EARNED IT. That is extremely important. Otherwise your heart will just end up being totally, completely, undoubtedly shattered like mine was. It sucks because now I get anxious and shy like a little girl all over again. I can't go out at night alone without being afraid. Worst of all I don't think that I will ever be able to trust anyone fully ever again. So take it from me, just never trust anyone until they have earned it, with actions, not words. 

After the boy broke my heart everything else just stopped working. My grades went because my focus and attention for school was gone. What's funny is I actually took an exam I would have passed if I hadn't gotten nervous to the point where I skipped two pages. Actually its not funny, its the most frustrating thing ever. 

Then my sleep just got up and walked out. I fall asleep, and would stay asleep but my nightmares essentially consume me. I go to bed in chills every night and wake up in a puddle of sweat every morning. 

Then in social girl world, everyone started to fall away. People started to turn on each other. Everyone has their own problems to deal with and not enough time to deal with them. People who I considered my friends seem like they're turning on me. They're the only ones who know about the boy. Everyone else seems nonexistent, out living their own lives. 

Then my teacher was awful enough to say he would shut me down if I didn't stop being lazy and actually show up to "class". I wasn't being lazy, I was doing work. 

Every time when I've hit rock bottom in the past, I have always had the extreme pleasure of building myself back up again. I really don't have a choice when everything seems to just slip out of my fingers or I am too weak to stand. I don't really have a choice because I can't just exist and not do anything. What kind of life is that? It's not fair. No one can be that way unless unfortunate circumstances make them that way, and even then. So I've started over again and am slowly starting to accept that this is what my life has become. A series of things stabbing me in the back, followed by a period where I learn how to move and walk and run until eventually I am king again. Then the cycle repeats itself.  

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

I know that a lot of this doesn't make a lot of sense guys. I wish I could just come outright and tell you what is really going on but theres a part of me that holds back. I don't want anyone's feeling to get hurt. I don't want my own feelings to get hurt. I don't want anyone to think this is a cry for attention because its not. The whole point of this blog is for me to tell you about the experiences and lessons I've learned about kindness, and for you to hopefully get something out of them. Good or bad, when something happens to me, I feel obligated to share it with you. 

So my lesson for you right now is never trust anyone until they have earned it. That is being kind to yourself because otherwise they will just tear you to shreds like they did to me, one by one. Then there will be nothing left of your heart then the fowl remnants left on the ground. 

About Being Kind: My Weird Fascination with Nicole Arbour

Hey internetians, what's good? . . . . Get it? hahahaha XD Anyways, so I don't know if you have seen the latest viral videos but theres currently one out called "Dear Fat People" by a woman named Nicole Arbour. The first time I saw this video I was so taken aback I had to step away from computer a while and do something else because it was just so vulgar. What she does is say obnoxious things about fat people, or people in general because she thinks that the only reason that their fat is due to overeating, and by embarrassing them in a youtube video she'll make them stop eating and lose weight. Like giving them a healthy shot of anorexia. Yep, that'll do it!

The basis of this video was just so ridiculous I was just morbidly fascinated. How could someone say things that are just so ignorant? Even though I know its not right to support someone who spreads so much negativity on the internet, I began to watch more of her videos. I began to watch the rebbutals from people against her "Dear Fat People" videos. I watched the CNN special where the covered her channel being taken down for a period of time. I saw her twitter post where she says she was being "#censored". All of it was just so ridiculous however as I watched more and more things started to come into focus for me, the fascination started dwindling.The last thing I watched from her was a live video stream from her facebook page that she had done earlier, talking about the issues in the video and why she believed what she believed. That was when some of my questions were answered and Nicole Arbour the person began to make more sense.

For anyone, who has watched this video is so confused, like I was, on how a person could be so ignorant and rude, I have a theory that may help put things in perspective for you. . .

Nicole Arbour is a person who believes in tough love and self-empowerment, which are good things! At first that was a more general topic, and was more pliable to be applied to every person. However a little later she got into an accident that left her with an awful pain disorder. It was to the point where she couldn't get up out of her bed, and was on several powerful pain medications. One day though, she decided to not let the pain disorder stop her from living. So she worked on pain management and got off all her pills. That is absolutely fantastic and so awesome. It is because of this though that she believes with a bit of tough love, and pushing every person can be as strong she is and just get up out of bed and decide to live their life, although that is not always the case.

As I watched her videos as well, I noticed she has a crude way of wording things. Most of the time I understand her points that she is truing to make, although along the way she either intentionally or unintentionally makes fun of someone, or something in the process. She also does a slapstick sort of comedy where she makes assumptions based on people because of stereotypes and tries to twist it, making it silly. That isn't a great way to do say things but that's how some people like to give it. Sometimes people can make it work, and other times they just can't. Nicole Arbour is just one of those people who just can't do it.

I was so taken aback by this video at first glance that I totally understand how people are so offended. I would be offended is someone talked about my issues that way. Body-shaming, or bullying is a serious issue and it applies to everyone in one way or another. Its wrong. She thinks the only way to be comical is to tease or make fun of somebody, which she stated. That is just not correct. Has she ever seen an animal video, like the one where the panda's are sneezing? Has she ever seen AFV videos which is more violent, falling on a banana peel humor?

So, between her twisted views on self-empowerment and tough-love along with her warped perspective on comedy, Nicole Arbour is just one big mess. So she took social issue that she believes could be easily fixed with a little poking and prodding and took it to level where it didn't need to go. However despite what a lot of people may think, it wasn't done to be malicious at all. She genuinely thinks that by creating this video she is just being funny and maybe inspiring some people to get in shape. She did not expect all of the backlash she got. She can deal with all of the negative comments and "hate" because she endured worse pain, and she's confident enough in herself.

If you watch some of the videos from Nicole Arbour's live feeds, you kind of get to see her real personality and realize, she's not actually that terrible. She's genuine, nice to all her fans, and even gives a shoutout to a man who thinks she hates him because he's overweight. She honestly doesn't care what you do with your life as long as you take care of your body as you should. However the way she phrased the video, combined with her comedy, she essentially just trips over her own two feet there. In general, Nicole is not a mean, or rude person, just has some skewed beliefs and is not very good with her words.

Hope that helps clear things up with that! Don't be afraid to send me some questions via my social media on this topic or other topics! Look out for my youtub video that will go hand in hand with this blog post! Here is the link to Nicole Arbour's Video in case you have no idea what I am talking about! See ya soon internet!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CXFgNhyP4-A

About Being Kind: Pretty vs. Ugly

Hey Guys! So I really want to talk to you about something I found seriously disturbing the other day. I don't know if you know about this but there is a viral trend going on now called the "Don't Judge Me" challenge, on vine. The point of it is to make yourself look as hideous as possible then cover the camera with your hand, then in an instant transform into a super model.

At first I thought the challenge was great. It seemed to give out a positive message. Don't judge people. That's pretty straightforward. However the other day I was on youtube when I found a video of a six-year-old and a three-year-old doing it. What had initially shocked me the most was how much make-up the girls were wearing, before and after. Then, after thinking about it for a little while, I realized what kind of message these little girls would be getting out of doing something like that.

In today's world there all kinds of issues that come to the forefront in terms of self-expression and being who you are. Some of these I wish didn't exist but are still present, even today. Racism, Sexism, Bullying, Harassment, and many others. The sad part is whether children understand it or not, some of these things are happening inside schools. Children are so susceptible to what adults and society dictates and they follow their parents, the trends, or the internet to find out what's right. That's a scary thing. Think about it. Parts of the internet are completely engulfed in white supremacy and terrorism while another half thinks clothes and money should be permanently banned from our society.

Despite this though, with this trend in particular is especially hard to combat because it seems to give off a positive message. Even I thought it was an alright thing at first. If you dig deep you realize at the heart of it, there is a serious issue, for kids in particular.

At the beginning you are supposed to make yourself be as ugly as possible. You do this with make-up and with the expressions you make on your face. However they don't just make up these faces to make, these children have to find them from somewhere, the list goes on. Regardless, whoever originally made the expression was probably a real person. If not eventually they may see a real person in school, or out on the street as comparable to the ugliness they are trying to show off, and make fun of them, which is wrong. Furthermore, no one should be promoting themselves in that kind of way, because that's not real, just as much as a the beautiful phase.

After revealing themselves in the glory of how they "actually look" the person makes faces, trying to look as sexy as possible. This was especially disturbing for little kids to try and imitate. Society had for a long time always told kids to grow up a lot faster then they should. Trying on make-up, wearing a training bra, and getting your ears pierced for the first time has gotten younger as far as age limits though. Kids that are eight and nine years old are glued to cell phones instead of playing outside, and enjoying themselves. Then the media promotes obesity as a rising issue as if its a surprise. I think what disturbs me the most is that children are doing things and trying things that they just are not ready for. Girls are being pushed to be "girly" while boys always have to be "masculine". Then it goes to the absolute limit and thats where kids break. It's awful.

The truth is, kids, teenagers, and adults should all just be who they are. If a girl wants to roughhouse, and get fit she should, and if a boy wants to show a little emotion and be a little weaker he should. No one in this world has a right to hold power over someone to choose who they are going to be. That's up for them to choose. In the "Don't Judge Me" challenge neither phase of ugly/pretty is who that person is. That is just there to add shock value to the "transformation". The best way to guide children and teenagers in the right direction to being who they are is not to tell them what to do and listen to what they have to say. Lastly no one is pretty or ugly, we are all beautiful, because we are all ourselves.

About Being Kind: What is the secret of life?

Hey everyone! So in the blog I have to talk to you guys about some super hard stuff, so I hope you understand if I ramble a little bit. However I believe that this blog post might be one of the most important ones I have ever written, because its about the secret of life, so I have to write it. I have to tell you what I have learned because I believe its so so so so so so important. I guess now that I've said that I should move on to the hard part which will make this all make sense...

Three years ago my grandmother passed away. He had lived a long time in a nursing home until finally cancer took her life. Everyone in my family was devastated. However we all were focused on helping my grandfather survive because we all expected him to fall apart, but he didn't. He held himself together was able to survive and thrive, even though he missed her a lot.

About two weeks ago, my grandfather passed away. He wasn't one of those grandfathers that lives super far away and is just miserable and grumpy all the time. He was the opposite actually. He loved every minute of his life and was determined to enjoy it. He lived very close to us so my family saw him at least twice a week, usually more. He was just life a second father to me, and I've always looked up to him as a prime example on how to live life.

He was the kind of person who just enjoyed being alive, having fun, and teasing people. My family and I have so many inside jokes with him, there are too many to count. When he died, it felt like a part of me went with him, it still hurts. I think about him, and my grandmother every day, but not just in the sense of grieving and pain, but in the happy memories. Within them shining through lies the secret of life - Balance.
This may seem a little bit out of left field, but I'll show you.

I looked up to my grandfather so much because he was always happy, smiling and joking around with people. He always knew how to get someone to smile whether it was by teasing them, cracking a joke, or just being plain old sarcastic. Both of my grandparents, my grandmother in particular, had laughter that was infectious, so once you were exposed there is no denying you would be laughing too. This aspect of them both, especially my grandfather, is an integral part to the secret of life, because it was still there, maybe even stronger in the face of adversity.

For example, when my grandfather had a heart attack, about three days later he was walking around, and joking around with all the nurses. He could get everyone instantaneously on his good side. I also remember one time when we visited my grandmother in the nursing home, we were laughing for hours about an app on your phone that could make any face look very very heavy in a silly yet believe able way. We did this with several pictures of all members of my family for hours, and laughed the whole entire time. When I went home, my face hurt from smiling so much!

This brings me to my point about balance. When life throws an extreme amount of negativity at you, come back equally strong with the same about of positivity and everything will work out. If you give too much of one it will just come firing back at you. For example, sometimes my grandfather's joking around annoyed or offended people by accident. He didn't mean it, but it happened anyway, which was either embarrassing or hilarious, it depended on the circumstances. Most of the time though, it just made people smile and laugh. Positive for a positive.  In the later stages of her life my grandmother became obsessed with her money because she felt that was the only thing she could control. She drove my grandfather up a wall asking for cash and bank statements, which got him very worked up and upset. negative for a negative.

I believe the fondest memory of my grandparents however was after they both had an enormous argument. I remember walking in with my parents on them talking quietly, then smiling and holding hands. The best part was they kept holding hands until they couldn't anymore. A negative turned to a positive. A reversal of balance. Their will to work it out over came their anger and they ended up loving each other by the end. Which is what most married couples do, right?

When my grandmother passed away, we honestly did expect my grandfather to fall apart. He was her whole world, and without her we expected him to just loose it. However he didn't. He rose to the occasion with the bravery and chivalry and kept on living his life despite loosing his true love. I think he was able to do this by his unquestionable doubt that she was still with him, watching over him. He told everyone of the things he had seen after he had died that he wanted to tell "Sally," my grandmother, all about. He took something horrible and made the best of it. Balance.

Now here comes the hard part, how to apply the balance. My parents always told me being an extreme of anything is a bad idea. At first I thought it only had to do with basic things like being a picky, or over-eater, or sleeping too little or too much. Only now do I realize where it matters is in your disposition and how you treat others.

Hey, I'm no expert on this whole thing. Just last week I made a girl pretty angry at me. Just today I overreacted to something I shouldn't have overreacted to. . . . I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm still learning about it, and probably will be my whole entire life. However this blog is about kindness, positivity and the way we treat others so, my main goal for now is just being that way, and maybe someday I'll turn out just like my grandfather. Who knows?








When my grandfather died, as horrible as it was, and as much I am still grieving I actually feel at peace. For some reason I feel as though something out there that was missing is now complete. Like two halves of a whole that were separated are now back together again, forever. It feels calm like a peaceful ocean. Even if there's a hurricane right now eventually the sun will rise and it will be like that once again. I hope it will. I'm counting on it.

About Being Kind: Caramel Coffee Cream Collatta in a Cup of Course

So about two months ago I applied for a part time job at my local DD. I applied a lot of places but DD was one of a few in particular I really wanted to get because it was summer time and I need the money for college next fall. A week or so after I applied for the job. I was called for an interview. I went in so nervous and totally over dressed but I was interviews as if the job was already given to me. It was fantastic! After two weeks of searching I had finally found something! To me it was the most spectacular thing ever . . . at the time.

The reality of it was, I had no idea what I was getting myself into. To say the least I was way over my head. I was making mistakes right and left, being yelled at, and in general just slowing everyone down in a restaurant in the world of "fast food". However I expected this because I was in training. I learned quickly, and I slowly become faster and faster at making an assortment of beverages of different types and styles. Now if you asked me for a hot coffee, I could make you one in two minutes flat, no questions asked. Despite this training was seriously difficult in this industry, because you have to be on the ball mentally and physically all the time. More mentally then physically, (so you don't mix up Caramel and Collatta) you get the idea.

For the next two weeks I went to DD with quickly diminishing happiness and energy and came home more stressed and tired then when I went there. Eventually I couldn't handle it anymore and decided that enough was enough and quit. I didn't quit because the work was hard, or my fellow employees/managers were mean. I quit because it was too much for me to handle, the job itself was essentially overwhelming. Despite what a lot of people think working in the fast food industry is HARD WORK. It takes a huge amount of mind body coordination and thought processing that not a lot of people possess, which I certainly don't. These workers earn every penny of their salary and honestly deserve a bit more.

What's funny is that people tend to treat them horrible. They are either super rude when they are ordering, talk down to them, or are so picky about their order and blame the employee rather then themselves for any errors. Having not made it up to the register yet I never really took the brunt of any mistreatment, but I watched it happen, and it was horrible. It was like nice ordinary people turn so rude and obnoxious when it comes to ordering for these people. Now of course for every rude person there is a polite, kind person to make things better, but the ratio is still there and it shouldn't be. Some days are worse then others but it still happens every day, and it shouldn't.

So I implore you, the next time you want to hit up a DD, Starbucks, McDonald's or Wendy's, remember to be nice to the employees who are at the register, and make your food. They put their blood sweat and tears into making it for you, and being absolutely sure its done right. The work they do, despite what you think, isn't easy and took time for them to learn and master. After two weeks, I could barely make drinks and DD without adding in the wrong ingredients or spilling the cup. haha

In any case I now have a new appreciation for the fast food industry. I also have a bunch of new acquaintances that I hope one day I'll reunite with again. Also I'm jobless . . . whoops . . .