It's has been a while, hasn't it? Or maybe it hasn't and it just feels like a while. Forever even. Recently I moved back into college and everything stressful that could possible be stressful has just been piling up and up and up and up. A lot has changed too, so I guess in one sense, it has been forever.
Lately, I hate to admit this, but I have made some bad decisions. I went out on a limb for a lot of people. A teacher who seemed like a good person, friends who seemed to really have my best interests at heart, and a boy. A stupid boy - life was okay until that stupid boy. I had everything going for me, and I was in control. I was busy, but I was in control. Everything seemed to be together until it all began to slowly crumble apart.
All I have to say internet is that never ever go out on a limb for people. Never do anything to put yourself in danger. If you think you are in a bad situation get help. Never feel like you have to do anything for anyone. And, this being the most important thing, NEVER TRUST ANYONE UNTIL THEY HAVE EARNED IT. That is extremely important. Otherwise your heart will just end up being totally, completely, undoubtedly shattered like mine was. It sucks because now I get anxious and shy like a little girl all over again. I can't go out at night alone without being afraid. Worst of all I don't think that I will ever be able to trust anyone fully ever again. So take it from me, just never trust anyone until they have earned it, with actions, not words.
After the boy broke my heart everything else just stopped working. My grades went because my focus and attention for school was gone. What's funny is I actually took an exam I would have passed if I hadn't gotten nervous to the point where I skipped two pages. Actually its not funny, its the most frustrating thing ever.
Then my sleep just got up and walked out. I fall asleep, and would stay asleep but my nightmares essentially consume me. I go to bed in chills every night and wake up in a puddle of sweat every morning.
Then in social girl world, everyone started to fall away. People started to turn on each other. Everyone has their own problems to deal with and not enough time to deal with them. People who I considered my friends seem like they're turning on me. They're the only ones who know about the boy. Everyone else seems nonexistent, out living their own lives.
Then my teacher was awful enough to say he would shut me down if I didn't stop being lazy and actually show up to "class". I wasn't being lazy, I was doing work.
Every time when I've hit rock bottom in the past, I have always had the extreme pleasure of building myself back up again. I really don't have a choice when everything seems to just slip out of my fingers or I am too weak to stand. I don't really have a choice because I can't just exist and not do anything. What kind of life is that? It's not fair. No one can be that way unless unfortunate circumstances make them that way, and even then. So I've started over again and am slowly starting to accept that this is what my life has become. A series of things stabbing me in the back, followed by a period where I learn how to move and walk and run until eventually I am king again. Then the cycle repeats itself.
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I know that a lot of this doesn't make a lot of sense guys. I wish I could just come outright and tell you what is really going on but theres a part of me that holds back. I don't want anyone's feeling to get hurt. I don't want my own feelings to get hurt. I don't want anyone to think this is a cry for attention because its not. The whole point of this blog is for me to tell you about the experiences and lessons I've learned about kindness, and for you to hopefully get something out of them. Good or bad, when something happens to me, I feel obligated to share it with you.
So my lesson for you right now is never trust anyone until they have earned it. That is being kind to yourself because otherwise they will just tear you to shreds like they did to me, one by one. Then there will be nothing left of your heart then the fowl remnants left on the ground.
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