About Being Kind: The Remnants of Caesar

Hey internet,

It's has been a while, hasn't it? Or maybe it hasn't and it just feels like a while. Forever even. Recently I moved back into college and everything stressful that could possible be stressful has just been piling up and up and up and up. A lot has changed too, so I guess in one sense, it has been forever. 

Lately, I hate to admit this, but I have made some bad decisions. I went out on a limb for a lot of people. A teacher who seemed like a good person, friends who seemed to really have my best interests at heart, and a boy. A stupid boy - life was okay until that stupid boy. I had everything going for me, and I was in control. I was busy, but I was in control. Everything seemed to be together until it all began to slowly crumble apart. 

All I have to say internet is that never ever go out on a limb for people. Never do anything to put yourself in danger. If you think you are in a bad situation get help. Never feel like you have to do anything for anyone. And, this being the most important thing, NEVER TRUST ANYONE UNTIL THEY HAVE EARNED IT. That is extremely important. Otherwise your heart will just end up being totally, completely, undoubtedly shattered like mine was. It sucks because now I get anxious and shy like a little girl all over again. I can't go out at night alone without being afraid. Worst of all I don't think that I will ever be able to trust anyone fully ever again. So take it from me, just never trust anyone until they have earned it, with actions, not words. 

After the boy broke my heart everything else just stopped working. My grades went because my focus and attention for school was gone. What's funny is I actually took an exam I would have passed if I hadn't gotten nervous to the point where I skipped two pages. Actually its not funny, its the most frustrating thing ever. 

Then my sleep just got up and walked out. I fall asleep, and would stay asleep but my nightmares essentially consume me. I go to bed in chills every night and wake up in a puddle of sweat every morning. 

Then in social girl world, everyone started to fall away. People started to turn on each other. Everyone has their own problems to deal with and not enough time to deal with them. People who I considered my friends seem like they're turning on me. They're the only ones who know about the boy. Everyone else seems nonexistent, out living their own lives. 

Then my teacher was awful enough to say he would shut me down if I didn't stop being lazy and actually show up to "class". I wasn't being lazy, I was doing work. 

Every time when I've hit rock bottom in the past, I have always had the extreme pleasure of building myself back up again. I really don't have a choice when everything seems to just slip out of my fingers or I am too weak to stand. I don't really have a choice because I can't just exist and not do anything. What kind of life is that? It's not fair. No one can be that way unless unfortunate circumstances make them that way, and even then. So I've started over again and am slowly starting to accept that this is what my life has become. A series of things stabbing me in the back, followed by a period where I learn how to move and walk and run until eventually I am king again. Then the cycle repeats itself.  

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

I know that a lot of this doesn't make a lot of sense guys. I wish I could just come outright and tell you what is really going on but theres a part of me that holds back. I don't want anyone's feeling to get hurt. I don't want my own feelings to get hurt. I don't want anyone to think this is a cry for attention because its not. The whole point of this blog is for me to tell you about the experiences and lessons I've learned about kindness, and for you to hopefully get something out of them. Good or bad, when something happens to me, I feel obligated to share it with you. 

So my lesson for you right now is never trust anyone until they have earned it. That is being kind to yourself because otherwise they will just tear you to shreds like they did to me, one by one. Then there will be nothing left of your heart then the fowl remnants left on the ground. 

About Being Kind: My Weird Fascination with Nicole Arbour

Hey internetians, what's good? . . . . Get it? hahahaha XD Anyways, so I don't know if you have seen the latest viral videos but theres currently one out called "Dear Fat People" by a woman named Nicole Arbour. The first time I saw this video I was so taken aback I had to step away from computer a while and do something else because it was just so vulgar. What she does is say obnoxious things about fat people, or people in general because she thinks that the only reason that their fat is due to overeating, and by embarrassing them in a youtube video she'll make them stop eating and lose weight. Like giving them a healthy shot of anorexia. Yep, that'll do it!

The basis of this video was just so ridiculous I was just morbidly fascinated. How could someone say things that are just so ignorant? Even though I know its not right to support someone who spreads so much negativity on the internet, I began to watch more of her videos. I began to watch the rebbutals from people against her "Dear Fat People" videos. I watched the CNN special where the covered her channel being taken down for a period of time. I saw her twitter post where she says she was being "#censored". All of it was just so ridiculous however as I watched more and more things started to come into focus for me, the fascination started dwindling.The last thing I watched from her was a live video stream from her facebook page that she had done earlier, talking about the issues in the video and why she believed what she believed. That was when some of my questions were answered and Nicole Arbour the person began to make more sense.

For anyone, who has watched this video is so confused, like I was, on how a person could be so ignorant and rude, I have a theory that may help put things in perspective for you. . .

Nicole Arbour is a person who believes in tough love and self-empowerment, which are good things! At first that was a more general topic, and was more pliable to be applied to every person. However a little later she got into an accident that left her with an awful pain disorder. It was to the point where she couldn't get up out of her bed, and was on several powerful pain medications. One day though, she decided to not let the pain disorder stop her from living. So she worked on pain management and got off all her pills. That is absolutely fantastic and so awesome. It is because of this though that she believes with a bit of tough love, and pushing every person can be as strong she is and just get up out of bed and decide to live their life, although that is not always the case.

As I watched her videos as well, I noticed she has a crude way of wording things. Most of the time I understand her points that she is truing to make, although along the way she either intentionally or unintentionally makes fun of someone, or something in the process. She also does a slapstick sort of comedy where she makes assumptions based on people because of stereotypes and tries to twist it, making it silly. That isn't a great way to do say things but that's how some people like to give it. Sometimes people can make it work, and other times they just can't. Nicole Arbour is just one of those people who just can't do it.

I was so taken aback by this video at first glance that I totally understand how people are so offended. I would be offended is someone talked about my issues that way. Body-shaming, or bullying is a serious issue and it applies to everyone in one way or another. Its wrong. She thinks the only way to be comical is to tease or make fun of somebody, which she stated. That is just not correct. Has she ever seen an animal video, like the one where the panda's are sneezing? Has she ever seen AFV videos which is more violent, falling on a banana peel humor?

So, between her twisted views on self-empowerment and tough-love along with her warped perspective on comedy, Nicole Arbour is just one big mess. So she took social issue that she believes could be easily fixed with a little poking and prodding and took it to level where it didn't need to go. However despite what a lot of people may think, it wasn't done to be malicious at all. She genuinely thinks that by creating this video she is just being funny and maybe inspiring some people to get in shape. She did not expect all of the backlash she got. She can deal with all of the negative comments and "hate" because she endured worse pain, and she's confident enough in herself.

If you watch some of the videos from Nicole Arbour's live feeds, you kind of get to see her real personality and realize, she's not actually that terrible. She's genuine, nice to all her fans, and even gives a shoutout to a man who thinks she hates him because he's overweight. She honestly doesn't care what you do with your life as long as you take care of your body as you should. However the way she phrased the video, combined with her comedy, she essentially just trips over her own two feet there. In general, Nicole is not a mean, or rude person, just has some skewed beliefs and is not very good with her words.

Hope that helps clear things up with that! Don't be afraid to send me some questions via my social media on this topic or other topics! Look out for my youtub video that will go hand in hand with this blog post! Here is the link to Nicole Arbour's Video in case you have no idea what I am talking about! See ya soon internet!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CXFgNhyP4-A

About Being Kind: Pretty vs. Ugly

Hey Guys! So I really want to talk to you about something I found seriously disturbing the other day. I don't know if you know about this but there is a viral trend going on now called the "Don't Judge Me" challenge, on vine. The point of it is to make yourself look as hideous as possible then cover the camera with your hand, then in an instant transform into a super model.

At first I thought the challenge was great. It seemed to give out a positive message. Don't judge people. That's pretty straightforward. However the other day I was on youtube when I found a video of a six-year-old and a three-year-old doing it. What had initially shocked me the most was how much make-up the girls were wearing, before and after. Then, after thinking about it for a little while, I realized what kind of message these little girls would be getting out of doing something like that.

In today's world there all kinds of issues that come to the forefront in terms of self-expression and being who you are. Some of these I wish didn't exist but are still present, even today. Racism, Sexism, Bullying, Harassment, and many others. The sad part is whether children understand it or not, some of these things are happening inside schools. Children are so susceptible to what adults and society dictates and they follow their parents, the trends, or the internet to find out what's right. That's a scary thing. Think about it. Parts of the internet are completely engulfed in white supremacy and terrorism while another half thinks clothes and money should be permanently banned from our society.

Despite this though, with this trend in particular is especially hard to combat because it seems to give off a positive message. Even I thought it was an alright thing at first. If you dig deep you realize at the heart of it, there is a serious issue, for kids in particular.

At the beginning you are supposed to make yourself be as ugly as possible. You do this with make-up and with the expressions you make on your face. However they don't just make up these faces to make, these children have to find them from somewhere, the list goes on. Regardless, whoever originally made the expression was probably a real person. If not eventually they may see a real person in school, or out on the street as comparable to the ugliness they are trying to show off, and make fun of them, which is wrong. Furthermore, no one should be promoting themselves in that kind of way, because that's not real, just as much as a the beautiful phase.

After revealing themselves in the glory of how they "actually look" the person makes faces, trying to look as sexy as possible. This was especially disturbing for little kids to try and imitate. Society had for a long time always told kids to grow up a lot faster then they should. Trying on make-up, wearing a training bra, and getting your ears pierced for the first time has gotten younger as far as age limits though. Kids that are eight and nine years old are glued to cell phones instead of playing outside, and enjoying themselves. Then the media promotes obesity as a rising issue as if its a surprise. I think what disturbs me the most is that children are doing things and trying things that they just are not ready for. Girls are being pushed to be "girly" while boys always have to be "masculine". Then it goes to the absolute limit and thats where kids break. It's awful.

The truth is, kids, teenagers, and adults should all just be who they are. If a girl wants to roughhouse, and get fit she should, and if a boy wants to show a little emotion and be a little weaker he should. No one in this world has a right to hold power over someone to choose who they are going to be. That's up for them to choose. In the "Don't Judge Me" challenge neither phase of ugly/pretty is who that person is. That is just there to add shock value to the "transformation". The best way to guide children and teenagers in the right direction to being who they are is not to tell them what to do and listen to what they have to say. Lastly no one is pretty or ugly, we are all beautiful, because we are all ourselves.

About Being Kind: What is the secret of life?

Hey everyone! So in the blog I have to talk to you guys about some super hard stuff, so I hope you understand if I ramble a little bit. However I believe that this blog post might be one of the most important ones I have ever written, because its about the secret of life, so I have to write it. I have to tell you what I have learned because I believe its so so so so so so important. I guess now that I've said that I should move on to the hard part which will make this all make sense...

Three years ago my grandmother passed away. He had lived a long time in a nursing home until finally cancer took her life. Everyone in my family was devastated. However we all were focused on helping my grandfather survive because we all expected him to fall apart, but he didn't. He held himself together was able to survive and thrive, even though he missed her a lot.

About two weeks ago, my grandfather passed away. He wasn't one of those grandfathers that lives super far away and is just miserable and grumpy all the time. He was the opposite actually. He loved every minute of his life and was determined to enjoy it. He lived very close to us so my family saw him at least twice a week, usually more. He was just life a second father to me, and I've always looked up to him as a prime example on how to live life.

He was the kind of person who just enjoyed being alive, having fun, and teasing people. My family and I have so many inside jokes with him, there are too many to count. When he died, it felt like a part of me went with him, it still hurts. I think about him, and my grandmother every day, but not just in the sense of grieving and pain, but in the happy memories. Within them shining through lies the secret of life - Balance.
This may seem a little bit out of left field, but I'll show you.

I looked up to my grandfather so much because he was always happy, smiling and joking around with people. He always knew how to get someone to smile whether it was by teasing them, cracking a joke, or just being plain old sarcastic. Both of my grandparents, my grandmother in particular, had laughter that was infectious, so once you were exposed there is no denying you would be laughing too. This aspect of them both, especially my grandfather, is an integral part to the secret of life, because it was still there, maybe even stronger in the face of adversity.

For example, when my grandfather had a heart attack, about three days later he was walking around, and joking around with all the nurses. He could get everyone instantaneously on his good side. I also remember one time when we visited my grandmother in the nursing home, we were laughing for hours about an app on your phone that could make any face look very very heavy in a silly yet believe able way. We did this with several pictures of all members of my family for hours, and laughed the whole entire time. When I went home, my face hurt from smiling so much!

This brings me to my point about balance. When life throws an extreme amount of negativity at you, come back equally strong with the same about of positivity and everything will work out. If you give too much of one it will just come firing back at you. For example, sometimes my grandfather's joking around annoyed or offended people by accident. He didn't mean it, but it happened anyway, which was either embarrassing or hilarious, it depended on the circumstances. Most of the time though, it just made people smile and laugh. Positive for a positive.  In the later stages of her life my grandmother became obsessed with her money because she felt that was the only thing she could control. She drove my grandfather up a wall asking for cash and bank statements, which got him very worked up and upset. negative for a negative.

I believe the fondest memory of my grandparents however was after they both had an enormous argument. I remember walking in with my parents on them talking quietly, then smiling and holding hands. The best part was they kept holding hands until they couldn't anymore. A negative turned to a positive. A reversal of balance. Their will to work it out over came their anger and they ended up loving each other by the end. Which is what most married couples do, right?

When my grandmother passed away, we honestly did expect my grandfather to fall apart. He was her whole world, and without her we expected him to just loose it. However he didn't. He rose to the occasion with the bravery and chivalry and kept on living his life despite loosing his true love. I think he was able to do this by his unquestionable doubt that she was still with him, watching over him. He told everyone of the things he had seen after he had died that he wanted to tell "Sally," my grandmother, all about. He took something horrible and made the best of it. Balance.

Now here comes the hard part, how to apply the balance. My parents always told me being an extreme of anything is a bad idea. At first I thought it only had to do with basic things like being a picky, or over-eater, or sleeping too little or too much. Only now do I realize where it matters is in your disposition and how you treat others.

Hey, I'm no expert on this whole thing. Just last week I made a girl pretty angry at me. Just today I overreacted to something I shouldn't have overreacted to. . . . I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm still learning about it, and probably will be my whole entire life. However this blog is about kindness, positivity and the way we treat others so, my main goal for now is just being that way, and maybe someday I'll turn out just like my grandfather. Who knows?








When my grandfather died, as horrible as it was, and as much I am still grieving I actually feel at peace. For some reason I feel as though something out there that was missing is now complete. Like two halves of a whole that were separated are now back together again, forever. It feels calm like a peaceful ocean. Even if there's a hurricane right now eventually the sun will rise and it will be like that once again. I hope it will. I'm counting on it.

About Being Kind: Caramel Coffee Cream Collatta in a Cup of Course

So about two months ago I applied for a part time job at my local DD. I applied a lot of places but DD was one of a few in particular I really wanted to get because it was summer time and I need the money for college next fall. A week or so after I applied for the job. I was called for an interview. I went in so nervous and totally over dressed but I was interviews as if the job was already given to me. It was fantastic! After two weeks of searching I had finally found something! To me it was the most spectacular thing ever . . . at the time.

The reality of it was, I had no idea what I was getting myself into. To say the least I was way over my head. I was making mistakes right and left, being yelled at, and in general just slowing everyone down in a restaurant in the world of "fast food". However I expected this because I was in training. I learned quickly, and I slowly become faster and faster at making an assortment of beverages of different types and styles. Now if you asked me for a hot coffee, I could make you one in two minutes flat, no questions asked. Despite this training was seriously difficult in this industry, because you have to be on the ball mentally and physically all the time. More mentally then physically, (so you don't mix up Caramel and Collatta) you get the idea.

For the next two weeks I went to DD with quickly diminishing happiness and energy and came home more stressed and tired then when I went there. Eventually I couldn't handle it anymore and decided that enough was enough and quit. I didn't quit because the work was hard, or my fellow employees/managers were mean. I quit because it was too much for me to handle, the job itself was essentially overwhelming. Despite what a lot of people think working in the fast food industry is HARD WORK. It takes a huge amount of mind body coordination and thought processing that not a lot of people possess, which I certainly don't. These workers earn every penny of their salary and honestly deserve a bit more.

What's funny is that people tend to treat them horrible. They are either super rude when they are ordering, talk down to them, or are so picky about their order and blame the employee rather then themselves for any errors. Having not made it up to the register yet I never really took the brunt of any mistreatment, but I watched it happen, and it was horrible. It was like nice ordinary people turn so rude and obnoxious when it comes to ordering for these people. Now of course for every rude person there is a polite, kind person to make things better, but the ratio is still there and it shouldn't be. Some days are worse then others but it still happens every day, and it shouldn't.

So I implore you, the next time you want to hit up a DD, Starbucks, McDonald's or Wendy's, remember to be nice to the employees who are at the register, and make your food. They put their blood sweat and tears into making it for you, and being absolutely sure its done right. The work they do, despite what you think, isn't easy and took time for them to learn and master. After two weeks, I could barely make drinks and DD without adding in the wrong ingredients or spilling the cup. haha

In any case I now have a new appreciation for the fast food industry. I also have a bunch of new acquaintances that I hope one day I'll reunite with again. Also I'm jobless . . . whoops . . .

About Being Kind: The Roses

Hey Guys!

So I'm sorry I haven't written in a while. Things have been super hectic and crazy since the last time we talked. I can't even keep track of it all it went by so fast. I think I could take all of the things that have happened to me and create a million kindness/life lessons about it, or at least it feels that way. I just moved back from college after a crazy stressful week of finals and other things. I've applied for a job at over ten different places. I'm helping my family move my grandpa out of his apartment to a new apartment in Douglassville (a long emotional sob story comes with that). Those things itself among many other things are sort of spinning me round in circles, and sometimes its hard to keep a steady pace going.

Like for example, my mom will talk about a kid in high school or grade school from a family that she or I know very well. She'll talk about how they are growing up and getting so big. What they're getting into, or what they're likes and dislikes are. Then she'll say they're age, and then it hits you. If you're anything like me you'll say something along the lines of "wow I'm old now . . ." even though being nineteen isn't actually that old... (ps. I think my birthday happened after we last talked... happy birthday to me! :))... However its comes in this wave of realization of how much time has passed between the then and the now and what you have become is so much different then what you were back then. Hopefully the memories are good, and you have no regrets.

However what I've come to realize lately and have been trying to take to heart the old saying that "its not about the journey, its about the destination". Before I couldn't see it in myself because all my brain to do is think about how I can get from point A to point B in the quickest, most efficient manor possible. In some cases it serves me well, like if I'm walking in heels or walking with my grandpa, or driving. However sometimes it works against me. While on these journeys I forget to stop and smell the roses and take everything in. I have a friend who does though. He'll tell me about the adventures he has and along the way describes the most minute details I wouldn't have even thought of.

So after I hang out with him, I always remind myself to slow down and to take in what life has to offer. I try to hang on to more of the smaller details because those are the things that will help me remember the actual journey instead of just A to B. It's like if you got lost on your way to someplace you had never been before. You'll always remember that journey because it was your first time and you got lost, so you had to take in the land and the scenery to find where you were going. This is like that, except you're not lost. You just take everything in.

I don't regret anything in my life that I can think of. The most important events in my life I have tried to savor and remember to the highest degree. I have keepsakes from all of my adventures in everything I do. I'll never forget the good times and the bad times are all just learning experiences you have to take in to grow, you don't need to necessarily savor every detail, I certainly don't. So living your life from point A to point B isn't always a bad thing. But never forget to slow down and stop to smell the roses, those will make the good memories more substantial, and sweet.

About Being Kind: Stand By You

Hey Internetians, It's 10:30 on a Tuesday morning, about 20 minutes out from my first (and last :D) class of the day. You know you wouldn't think that in that time span of the morning you would learn a life lesson, but somehow, it happened to me. I thought to myself, as most people would, "Ugh, its too early for this sh*t." hahaha. However these things don't really run by your schedule, and things happen in the most unexpeted places. By this point I've just learned to roll with it, haha. Let me elaborate a bit...

This morning I went to class totally terrified about doing my ten minute presentation. It was for a songwriting seminar and it was about the authenticity of music, and how special the art songwriting is in pop culture. I had to do it over the span of a weekend because I was away in Paris, France, (I'll come back to that too, its important) all spring break so I didn't have a chance to complete it.  I was nervous for that reason for the fact that in this class a topic like that is going to be contraversial.

Least to say it was contraversial. The first two projects went off wonderfully, and no one in the class had anything to say about them. However when I did mine, everyone in the class spoke out for it, against and it clearly voiced their opinions. I turned into a little bit of a debate within the class about what defines a songwriter. It made some people mad, some people agreed, and some people just didn't care. Reguardless I was just taken back by it all and was nervous that I failed and made the entire class upset, including the professors.

On my trip to Paris, France my roommate and I got into an disagreement over a misunderstanding. I tried to make peace with her, and get her to understand what I was saying but it really didn't work the way I thought it would. Within our arguing too she pointed out somethings about my opinion that I could have expressed to her better and I took that to heart, because she was right. However I wasn't going to drop my opinion or how I felt because of it. In the end we dropped the argument and I left the country feeling awkward, upset, and confused. I was peaceful, and amicable, but she still didn't work with me to make peace, and I didn't understand why.

Today during that presentation, those things came together, and I remembered what one of my professors had told me. That not everyone is going to like your work or agree with you in certain aspects but as long as you enjoy it that's what really matters. Then I thought about how broad the guidelines for this presentation were and how much of an opinion based class this was and I realized it didn't matter. My topic had created buzz, but it's my opinion. Who am I if I don't have my opinions and stick to them? Even though opinions can change and people can change if I am swayed by some tiny disagreement I loose my sense of self, which is important in knowing oneself.

The point being that, you can't please everyone. If you change your opinions and beliefs based on the opinions of others then you loose yourself. That's what I need to work on. I was so focused on whether people were going to like this presentation or not I overstepped the fact that it created this debate that the other projects hadn't. Good or bad, it was cool to see other students speaking out and letting their opinions on the subject heard. That to me, meant that my project has succeeded in one aspect.

For the longest time I was too passive. You know, going around trying to please and serve everyone and everything. Doing what I could to survive, and be amicable with everyone, have everyone like me. However, I had lost myself in the process and as I am getting older I am starting to find myself again, thats conflicting with my ability to be able to be friends with everyone. Realizing this, I know now that I have to find a balance between making my opinions known to people, and standing by them, and then being passive enough to still work with people and their opinions and their beliefs. Like everything in life, its a balance. I haven't exactly figured out quite what that balance is yet, but armed with my new tools I hope I'll be able to figure it out.

About Being Kind: The Swimmer's Ear (This is the last water reference, I swear!)

Hey internet! So I know its been a little while since we talked, but not too long though which is good. Things in college haven't been easy as you know. I spend a lot of my time going to classes, eating, going to the gym, and doing homework. When I'm not doing those things then I go online. . . (Sometimes I go online when I'm supposed to be doing homework but that's besides the point) Hahahaha Anyways, during my last few weeks since we've spoken I've had to learn a hard lesson here that I want to pass on to you, especially those of you who are around my age, over or under eighteen years old. It may not seem like it at first but I promise the message behind this lesson relates back to being kind.

So to keep things anonymous I am not going to tell the story of how exactly I learned this lesson. Instead I am going to propose a hypothetical situation in which what I learned can be applied. This is going to sound kind of simple but here it goes . . . Imagine a kid who is a swimmer. This kid has been a swimmer all his life and loves it. He is only taught one type of stroke, let's say free style. As the kid grows up he is set in his ways and habits and they become more concrete in his mind. However when he goes off on his own and continues swimming either for his college, a community team, or a professional team, he must learn to swim a different kind of stroke (ex. backstroke, breath stroke, butterfly,). This shatters the concrete style and routine he has come to know in his mind. He struggles physically and mentally-a lot of questions come up in his mind. Can he accept and learn these new styles? Or does he not give in to the pressures of this new outside influence to what he already knows? 

This is the kind of situations I was facing here at college, and was adding to my stress. What I had already come to learn as a child was being challenged in the sea of new things and places. (I know I have been making a lot of ocean references for my posts lately, I'll come up with something new next time. Promise! Haha) The problem wasn't in the fact that these new things were coming up, the problem was the fact that I was fighting it. Even though I participated in these activities in a daily basis, I let my pride determine whether I was going to actually take it in or not. I would think to myself, "I know better," "That's the wrong way to do it".  I would listen and pay attention to what I was being taught, but in my head I would put everything down based on my own limited knowledge of the world. I would plan around it, try and do it my way and still make it seem like I was trying. Which sucks because you could miss out on some pretty cool stuff if you tune everything out like that. 

Over the course of this month I slowly started to realize what was happening. I realized I wasn't taking in anything and always in a state of somewhat frustration which isn't fun. So instead I tried to relax and go with the flow, and that works a lot better when it comes to stress level. However its not like I just gave up on my opinions. I still have them, everyone is entitled to their own. Instead I found a different way of filtering what I hear. I want to learn and retain as much as I can, but at the same time get rid of negative energy. Usually I keep to the facts and get rid of the opinions based off assumptions, whether it be mine or someone else's. 

One last thing internetians, just because someone else has a different outlook then you does not make them bad people in the least. Again, everyone is entitled to have their own outlook and their own opinion in this world. The fact they are trying to share this knowledge with me should have made me want to understand, to listen. That's part of being kind? Listening and respecting others? Why should I let my pride get in the way of that? They deserve as much respect as I would want if I were teaching or speaking.

I am also not a bad person for taking in their opinion they give with their lessons. See, what I learned there is certain ear you have to pick to filter in the good things and filter out the bad. Even though I am still working on that, I need to learn and thrive from as much as I can. That's how I'll be the best I can be as an adult. 

As I have ventured on this new ear of mine I have discovered a lot of the opinions that seemed to have contradicted with mine are actually not bad at all. Some things I will never be able to believe but that just goes without saying right? 

~Claire~ 

About Being Kind: I Am Immortal?

Hey internet. I know it hasn't been a long time since we last talked but a lot has changed. I said the same thing in my last post about seven days ago but I sort of actually mean it this time. I have physically, mentally and emotionally changed all together, and I'm not sure how I feel about it. Let me elaborate.

I didn't realize this until today but for the longest time I was stuck in a situation that I didn't want to be in. I know I wrote to you all to "just keep swimming", and to keep your head afloat and such metaphors like that. However its hard to tread water when you just don't feel like treading water anymore, so I just kind of stopped. And I won't lie, that was really scary. Eventually though I came back up for air.

Then it hit me. We're humans, why are we treading water? Aren't we supposed to be walking on dry land? That's why we have two legs and feet and toes. They aren't webbed. We don't have gills for lungs and fins for arms. We aren't supposed to be living in the sea, and the sea isn't supposed to be trying to consume us. If it is then you (or I) have a problem that needs fixing.

I guess what that really long-winded metaphor is trying to say is that I needed a change in my life. Something had to give. I wasn't doing something right, like not letting my feelings out, or not taking care of myself the right way. That's why I almost drowned in all of my problems, or "the sea".

What started me down that path to my own watery fate? How can I come back to the shore and walk on without approaching the sea again? If I do go for a swim how can I come back to shore? These are the questions facing me now, and the challenges I have to overcome. However out of all of this metaphorical talk I want to enlighten you all on one way to be kind to yourself.

Don't ever swim so far out to sea that you can't see the shore.

Being kind to yourself means that you don't let the sea of your problems or other people's problems consume you. You also don't tread there thinking you can outlast the ocean. That's like saying you can live forever. Unless you are immortal I doubt that.

When you feel like your drowning, take a step back, I beg you. Reevaluate your choices, goals, priorities, events, situations, thoughts, feelings, anything! Then change it. You can even have someone you trust help you, it doesn't matter who it is or how you do it. Just do it before you slam to the bottom. Unlike the physical world you don't gradually float down there, you hit it hard. As if your falling except someone threw you down. Some wise people I know like to call this low "rock bottom".

In any case I really hope you take this little piece of wisdom with you guys. This is one of my biggest issues in life. Even though I am only talking in metaphors I am sure you are intelligent enough to understand what I mean. I would hate to have someone else go through this ordeal or smile through their pain. Trust me, it is not fun, nor easy to do despite what some may think.

Alright internet, gotta stop ranting at you now. Hope you get what I mean though and take my advice. Talk to you later.

~Claire~

About Being Kind: Thanks Dory

Hey blog readers and readers with ulterior motives (reading this because your bored out of your mind) alike. I apologize for not writing in a while. I don't remember if I posted this in my last blog post or previous blog posts but I have recently moved back into college so I may not post as much as I normally do. College life is very hectic and stressful in general so the best way I can put this is that you must be prepared to have any kind of curve ball thrown at you. Anything at all, because no one can ever really know what its like until they get here. I certainly didn't.

A lot has changed since we last talked. I won't lie to you guys, things have been extremely difficult. Most of it I cannot tell you because of confidentiality with me and with others. Breaking that would not be right, so I am not. However it is because of these things I have had trouble keeping my head up. I feel like I'm treading water in the middle of the ocean with nothing around for hours and my my body is getting tired to the point of giving out. I cannot speak the same for myself but if that ever happens to you guys, always make sure you can see the shore, so to speak. Because I wouldn't wish that feeling on anyone. It sucks, and the more you tread the worse it gets.

What others have told me helps getting out of low points, is keeping a schedule and sticking to it helps. Making that plan for yourself and having a goal will make accomplishment so much sweeter when you get there. I know when I do the stuff I have planned for the day, like chores or homework, out of the way I feel good. If you just focus on those things, you will feel more fulfilled and successful.

Keep doing what makes you happy. If you have hobbies that you love to do like reading or writing, or even just surfing the internet looking up random videos of snorting puppies, do it. My escape is playing the piano and writing music. I could sit there for hours just playing and writing songs, even if I don't remember them later.

Always keep doing a physical activity. Whether it be a sport or just going to the gym. It helps get that excess energy out and makes you tired to help you sleep at night. Don't give up on it, or fall behind because then you'll feel badly and embarrassed. I always rag on myself for not going to the gym, or swimming laps enough. That's something I need to keep up on.

However if you are anything like me you are incapable of taking your own advice. (Or at least the advice I've been told that I am passing along to you) From this point I (or you) have two options, let the low consume or just keep swimming. I'd rather just keep swimming. You never know what the future has to hold for you. If you miss out on what up ahead then you'll never know what could have been. I mean once you get to a certain low, there's nowhere to go but up. So Thanks Dory, I'll just keep swimming.

About Being Kind: The Zombie Apocalypse

So recently I have created a new twitter account to spread the kindness message and to see what twitter is actually all about. I had a twitter before but I never really used it until now. Having my account now, I go on every day and scroll through tweet after tweet of many different topics ranging from the news, to sports, pop culture, the horse world, and of course advertisements. I love it honestly because it keeps me updated on major things going on in the world right now big or little. Overall its fun! :D

So recently I got a few tweets from a page advocating for an APP called Outpour. Recently created by a guy named Calvin Lui from California, the only way I can describe this APP is like a kindness outlet. You create a profile where you can send quick kind messages (like tweets) to anyone you like, whether they be in your contacts, or just random users on the APP. All these outpour "tweets" will be sent as anonymous text messages to their phones and on their outpour profiles. That way the kindness and can be spread. Like if you're just feeling up and kind one day, like feeling good, you can go a spread it around to anyone you like, anonymously.

I really don't enjoy the word anonymously because usually it gives people the power to be cruel and hateful on the internet. The best example of this I have would be ask.com. I have told people over and over ask.com is just an excuse for people to be mean to each other and avoid blame. Just because someone says something online and their name is not on it does not mean they are any less responsible for it. Sites like that just allow the spread of hatred and negative attitudes online and that is what we are trying to prevent.

With the creation of outpour, a revolutionary way to spread happiness and positive energy around, maybe the happiness can be spread around a bit more. However there is one problem in the form of one word that inhibits outpour of doing its job . . . anonymously. A lot of the time (I'm not saying all the time-I am not a mind reader or anything!!! PPPssssshhhh!!! . . . 0.o) people only say or do nice things to get something in return. Whether it be something physical, like money, or a prize, through force of an authority figure or most of the time, just by the gratitude and recognition that they recognized your generosity and appreciate it. In a psychology 101 class, our professor taught us that humans by nature are not altruistic. We only make altruistic actions for something in return even if it is just good feelings or vibes.

Now I'm not saying that getting good feelings or happiness in return for generous actions is a bad thing! In fact if you find happiness is doing good and being kind then you are one amazing individual. However in terms of the outpour APP we have to go back to that one annoying word, anonymous. Because outpour is anonymous in nature that people may not be as inclined to use it because they are not getting the gratification and good vibes in return. You only say nice things to be nice and that's it. Nothing in return really besides the likes and comments that you can see. Maybe if you sign your name or make it obvious that it's you in some way, your friends will appreciate the nice messages, but overall, especially those that remain nameless, will not let you know that they appreciate the message, leaving you on the short end of the stick.

Feeling like your on the short end of the stick isn't a bad feeling, I feel that way sometimes. (hey, we're all human. Don't judge.) When I was using outpour for the first time I thought it was the most amazing APP ever. I sent a bunch of nice messages to friends in my phone who did not have outpour accounts. I felt so proud of myself. I let out all my kindness and happiness until I was physically exhausted. However a little while after when I heard nothing in response, that's when I started to feel bad, angry almost, as if I had been cheated out of the good vibes to savor. That's when I realized how hard being kind actually is.

Kindness from the definition on google is said to be the quality of being friendly, generous and considerate. It says nothing about a trade in policy. That's like saying: "I'll only be friendly if you are friendly to me. I'll only be generous if you pay me first. I'll only be considerate if people are considerate to me." These things don't generate kindness, they repel it. Imagine if everyone went around expecting some form of kindness towards them before they gave any in return, you know how awful a world that would be. It would be a world full of cruel judgmental selfish zombies who walk around and suck out people's mind with meanness, which will drip out their ears like . . . okay I'm done now XD But you get the idea. What if the world was like that? Do you know how horrible that would be? The world would explode! It would be the zombie apocalypse!

The point is ... being kind is hard. I discovered that today. However in the end it will be totally worth it for a more loving accepting future. No apocalypse. NO mean zombies. Please.

About Being Kind: I Have Whiplash

So tonight I binge watched my usual amount of TV shows for four hours straight. When I'm in college I'm usually too busy to TV or movies (unless my friends and I have a movie night), so I don't have the luxury. However since this is the last week of me being home on vacation from school, I wanted to get as much couch-poatoinng (yes, thats a verb. . . now.) in as I can. 

What I usually do when I binge watch TV is I keep my mind pre-occupied with something else, either doing something on my laptop, playing cards etc. (I get bored during the commercials :p) However what usually goes on in the background is things like those fake ghost "reality" tv shows, criminal minds, pitbulls and parolees, full house, or whatever is on the history channel. Those shows keep me entertained the most (when there aren't commercials :p) because they're the most scary, suspenseful, gory, or all three (besides full house . . . who doesn't love full house? :)....). However the most suspenseful, scariest thing I've watched on screen over the break was an Independent Movie called Whiplash. Unlike most of the shows I watch, I was shaking in nervousness, my hands where clammy, and at certain parts, I didn't not watch. . . . *(tbc down below)*

Here's a little summary of what the movie is about. The source is rotten tomatoes because they gave this movie five stars, which I believe it rightfully deserves. The acting was good . . .

"Andrew Neyman is an ambitious young jazz drummer, single-minded in his pursuit to rise to the top of his elite east coast music conservatory. Plagued by the failed writing career of his father, Andrew hungers day and night to become one of the greats. Terence Fletcher, an instructor equally known for his teaching talents as for his terrifying methods, leads the top jazz ensemble in the school. Fletcher discovers Andrew and transfers the aspiring drummer into his band, forever changing the young man's life. Andrew's passion to achieve perfection quickly spirals into obsession, as his ruthless teacher continues to push him to the brink of both his ability-and his sanity. (C) Sony Classics" 

Here is a trailer of the movie (if you are interested) to see a snippit of what I actually witnessed. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7d_jQycdQGo

SPOILER ALERT! If you were planning on watching this movie I may accidentally reveal some vital unknown information (aka. the entire ending :p) so if you want to actually watch the movie stop here (and hopefully continue reading after you have seen the movie). I recommend it to anyone who loves suspense and classic movies. :) 

*(in continuation)* One of the many reasons I could not watch this movie is how tough the teacher is. Not only does he verbally abuse his students, (with every other word ending in fuck), he also physically abuses them, hits them, keeps them ridiculously late hours, and uses personal family information against them as "motivation". The other reason I could not watch is how the main character Andrew, lets this teacher's (fletcher's) methodology get stuck inside his head. He pushes himself to the point of near death to please this man and in the end only gets cut from fletcher's band, and kicked out of the music academy. He practices so hard that every finger on every hand bled to fill up a pitcher (which they shows on camera . . . thank you Mr. director.) Even Criminal Minds isn't that gory. Every extremely bloody scene is darkened, is a quick take, or is cleverly disguised, or covered. 

THE SPOILER PART:

Towards the end of the movie Fletcher meets Andrew in a coffeehouse and tells him the secret behind his teaching method that made him as abusive as he was. He apologizes to Andrew in his own way then makes him an offer to join his professional band. Andrew accepts not knowing this is Fletcher's revenge for getting him fired from the music academy (andrew reports him to the police who have been after fletcher for months). In the end Andrew pulls through and turns out to be an absolutely amazing drummer. (just to recap and spoil the end of the movie . . . . real point -->) However in that coffeehouse Fletcher says something that makes you stop and think. "There are no two words in the english language more harmful then, good job". Considering the end of the movie this makes you question; is praise actually a bad thing? Are we not pushing students enough to be the best that they can be? 

Fletcher is obviously the absolute extreme of all push and no praise when it comes to teaching. There would be no way a man like that should be teaching in a place of learning and in the end that extremity is what gets him fired. However is Fletcher wrong when he says saying good job is the worst thing you could possible do to a student? Is this method actually capable of achieving great success? 

In some ways I agree with Fletcher. Too much praise is a bad thing, and not enough praise can lead to depression or feelings of failure (like practicing so hard because your so determined you bleed into a pitcher *shiver*). I draw this conclusion from a horseback riding and it spawns into an analogy I try to apply in my own life a lot. 

Whenever I fall off a horse, I always have to get back on. If I'm injured or sore we don't ever push past a walk, but I always have to get back on the same horse. Otherwise you'll always be afraid of that horse, or of riding in general depending on how bad the fall was. It would be like a horseback riding mental block per-say. A good teacher is supposed to incite a drive in you, an inner force to achieve, and keep going with it. A good trainer (like my trainers) encourages you to get back up and get back on, but only you have the power to take it further. Through this I've always wanted to get back on when I fall. I want to improve to make myself the best I can be and to push my limits as far as they can possible go at the time. Even though I think I do good a lot of times, I know I can do better which keeps my drive present, and good trainers to keep in going. 

A good teacher is supposed to encourage his students to practice, to be the best that they can possible be, but not until they're mentally unstable, bleeding, and beaten down like Andrew was. There can be many theories to why Andrew pushes himself so hard.  He seemed to do it not only because of this drive inside of him, but for fear of his teacher and loosing his place in the jazz band. This is not only manipulative and wrong on so many levels but shows that students can only be great if they almost kill themselves getting there. A teacher is supposed to be helping students learn from the outside in, not from the inside out. There is a limit to how far you can push a student until they crack and it was clear that Andrew had cracked from the beginning (may I reference the blood pitcher again . . . . ew. just ew, sorry :p). A good teacher is supposed to push you but not force you. You should be the only one that has the power to take it further, to get back on the horse. If a students wants to push themselves that hard, fine, power to them. However no one should force them to over-work to the line of insanity. That is mentally unhealthy. 

About being kind is about learning, through life, what it really means to be kind, and to show that to the world. The movie whiplash opened my eyes to a whole other branch of kindness that I had never thought of before, a kindness of generations to come, the future. How we teach them will determine the future of the world, and the people within it. Obviously, shown in this movie we cannot just push students. That only leads to break-downs and failure because we as teachers want the success of the students more then they want it. Ever heard the saying, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink? (no matter how many times you insult or hit them :p). In fletcher's case, he didn't push Andrew that hard for his well-being, but for only his own and the sake of his band (at least it seemed in the movie). However a good balance of push and praise can help a student achieve so much more. I know for a fact that I don't do well or learn anything while under pressure. My mind becomes a jumbled mess. I'm here and there all at once. However with a little encouragement I use that drive to focus my mind and do what I can do to the best of my ability on the task I am learning, whether it is in college or horseback riding. This balance of push a praise is what will help each student achieve great success, the balance being determined on what each student's needs are, but one cannot be present without the other. Otherwise we'll have kids like Andrew who are so beaten, broken and traumatized they almost have to succeed. Succeeding is good but its even better when you're not being tortured in the process. You're supposed to love what you're doing, not be torn down by it, nor be driven by hate, approval and anger. 

 So through this movie let's learn a lesson for all future generations. Learning needs a balance of push and praise depending on the child. You are not only teaching then skills they need for the future, you are teaching them About Being Kind. 

About Being Kind: I Have Revenge Issues

The new year has started, marking the end of the holiday season. The decorations are going to start to come down (or maybe you leave them up all year, Idk XD) and school (college) is going to start back up in a couple of weeks. I hope you all had a wonderful holiday and that you thrive in whatever 2015 has in store for you! For me this is a wonderful time to post my first actual blog post because, new year, new blog, new goals, new life, right?

So I guess you all had new year's resolutions for this year, right? You know like I said the last time I am a telepath and I can read your minds. (0.o   .....   XD) Well at least for me anyways I have a few that usually stay the same from year to year. The classics like, be more outgoing, find a job, don't be lazy, things of that nature. Things that I can dream about but never come true XD However this year, leading up to christmas and new year's I was, and still am a little bit, down on myself for some things. The two most relevant and relatable ones are my weight, and my ex. So I want to talk about them for a minute.

The freshman fifteen, I can assure you, is not a myth. (Keeping it to just fifteen is a challenge in and of itself XD) For me I've always been used to eating whatever I want and having a fast metabolism to fall back on. Between that, working and horseback riding at my barn, I've always been on the smaller side. However in going to college, I wasn't able to do those things anymore. I slept in really late, went to my classes, took a break, went online, studied, then went to bed again (with a shower of course! Can't forget good hygiene :p). I rode only once a week so that in itself counted for my weekly exercise. The rest of my days I just walked from class to class for exercise. When I came home for break and weighed myself with an actual scale instead of playing a guessing game with a mirror, I was absolutely mortified at what I saw. I couldn't bear it. I could tell I was gaining some pounds but nothing this extreme. (or at least what I thought before).

On a completely different spectrum, The situation with my ex-boyfriend, which we can call Bart, (Yes, this is a horrible made-up name. Yes, I am using it as a tiny little form of revenge }:D No, I don't have issues still! I'm fine . . . . XD) is disastrous and up until recently I ragged on myself a lot for. Bart and I started dating early on and the semester and we became very close. We had just as good a friendship as a relationship. However there were some things I didn't enjoy about Bart that I needed to talk to him about and work out. I had learned a lot of relationship problems are solved if you just talk to the person honestly, so Bart and I had established this early on. When I approached him, he abruptly claimed we had nothing in common and after a long talk we ended up breaking up. I would have been okay (hurt but able to heal) with just the break-up (because it was face to face and mutual to some degree) however afterwards Bart felt entitled to say whatever he liked. He went on a rant tearing down our relationship as boyfriend and girlfriend and friends. He acted like someone totally opposite from what I new him to be, like if someone kind and gentle turned into angry and scary in the blink of an eye. This made me very sad and distraught and for a while. I didn't know what to do or how to feel. In my mind that morphed into "How could you let him get so close to you?", "How could you let him in and say what he did to you?", and "It's your fault your relationship is over!".

With these two things in mind, (first world problems I know but problems nonetheless :p), the biggest thing I learned about kindness, transitioning from last year to this year, is that being kind to yourself makes a difference. A kind friend helped me with my weight problem by showing me an app called Lose It!. This app is a healthy way to combine your goal weight, with how you eat (down to a tee of precision I might add :P), and your exercise. This way I can still eat what I want and how much I want but manage myself through a calorie budget I have every day. By avoiding those unhealthy snacks and foods that make you gain weight in the first place, I am able to be healthier and stay under my budget. I have the free version of the app but if you buy the app then you can also interact with other people trying to loose some pounds and compete and different challenges like "Living Healthy" or "Walk your way to fitness". For the last week that I've had this app I have already shed off two pounds and have began working my way to a healthier lifestyle. As for Bart (Teehee, Bart. He sounds like an adorable nerd and I love them :3 . . . I guess my revenge plan failed . . . XD), my mom, and many others believe that the things he said to me were out of anger and fear of being hurt. As if he were trying to distance himself from me to ease the blow of breaking up. This sounds understandable but to me (and most agree) the hurtful things he said are selfish, and inexcusable as a boyfriend or a friend. This makes it really hard for me to forgive him as many are encouraging me to. Despite all this though while we were together we did have a lot of good memories and laughs. Through this I realized all I can do now is just take in what they're saying, cherish those good memories, push forward and not dwell on the past. These are just a couple ways I am kind to myself.

Although I am horrible at taking my own advice, I know being kind to myself in this way will not only make for a better future but for a better now. I'm sure you have all heard these kind of things before but let's reiterate them for fun . . . Everything happens for a reason, you learn from experience, and you get as much out of it as you put into it. I have to learn new ways of managing my diet and exercise and through my new experiences I have learned what it really means to push ahead. Although I cannot take my own advice, (aka I am not perfect with these things), I know I'm trying my best under the circumstances and that's all that matters. So I encourage you all, be kind to yourself this holiday (or the days/weeks after this holiday XD), and see what it can do for you. Big or small, it does make a difference :)

~Claire~